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A-Z GUIDE TO MOVING OUT:

We all thought moving out would be easy. But as Home Alone I-IV has shown, transporting furniture and entering a foreign building has never been so hard. As such, the good people at DeeTu (no, just me) have provided this guide to moving out, to give young’uns some insight into future life at Your Place.

Agents. We all know they’re getting paid to collect your money, but getting on good terms with your agent is almost as good as not fucking up the house in the first place. These guys will get on your case cos you’re young and have better futures than them, so don’t believe everything they say. Be adamant that the gigantic gash in the wall was already there when you moved in. In the event that you do fuck up, get your friends together to fix it (it’s a reason to party!), as getting the agent will only end up in the alarmed owner jacking up the price.

See also: Asian roommates, Aryan roommates, American roommates

Being a tightarse. After the initial period of smug generosity when you offer your mates to get shitfaced at ‘your place’, you inevitably become so tight you might as well be called Mr Wong. You will no longer feel the need to assert your superiority by loudly mentioning ‘your place’ in conversations, for fear those alcoholic fuckers will piss on your neighbour’s geraniums and drive over your mail box. Again.

See also: Banging roommates, Banshees, Breaking-and-Entering

Cooking. Shit mang, this is a tough one. Best to have at least one roommate from an abusive family, they would have learned this skill since like 3 (they can probably to do this while getting flogged with a belt too!) But yeah, you can’t really seen this working with 4 white rugby players, and Asian kids are fucking irresponsible in this area too.

See also: Candy from strangers, Camping, Choosing the right curtains

Drinking. Overheard at MC. ‘Hey bro (they were muzzas), I thought you had red label at your place.’ ‘Nah bro, no more drinking, bro, like I’m getting problems bro.’ ‘Serious? ’S going on?’ ‘Since I moved out bro, I’ve been shitting banana shakes. Like, Boost juice has nothing on my diarrhoea bro.’ ‘Shiiiit brooooo…’

See also: Dying, Damaged property

Electricity bills. This should have been covered in Bills, but I’ve gone past B. Anyway, always try to pay your bills on time. There’s nothing more depressing that making awkward chitchat with your new roommates when there isn’t TV to relieve your anti-social tendencies from emerging. Electricity is the defining characteristic of civilisation, so unless turning feral and shitting in your neighbours’ geraniums is your thing, you should politely fork out for the lights.

See also: Emotional breakdowns, Eels (in your fucking toilet!)

Feeling down. This never happens. Everyone knows moving out is the best decision in your life.

See also: Frat boys, Feeling out the neighbours

Gays. Moving out is like the first step into the Real World, and you’re going to meet a lot of socially marginalised groups. Like gays! These guys are generally pretty cool. But it is also true that they generally want to fuck you. All in all, these guys are a mine of weird information about sex. Honestly, everything you’ve ever thought was taboo are like tea parties to these people. Don’t be afraid to go up to gays and interrogate them about their sex lives with a pen and pad.

See also: Gaming, Going out without the keys, Guides to Everything

Gays!

Homophobes. Yes, these people actually do exist. It’s the 21st century, and we’re less tolerant than the ancient Greeks. These people are generally classified into 2 groups. There’s the ignorant homophobes who believe gays are mythical creatures who don’t ‘really’ exist. They’re usually the conservative Asian dads who only care about sub-atomical electron movements in the third solar cell. Pretty harmless. But then you get the hardcore homo-haters like cowboys and Catholics. If you’re gay and you’re rooming with these guys, shit hon, just run.

See also: Hamstring cramps, Hormone rush, Hudson’s coffee

I. Yes, the number one. Always look after yourself when you move out, cos chances are everyone else is only looking after themselves also. MAINTAIN HYGEINE. You’re living in a sheltered and enclosed area, not the street, therefore you must make that distinction evident. Also, cleaning your room and your furniture is really important. I once went to this guy’s place, and he’s mattress was damp cos he didn’t air it for 2 years. Dudeeee……

See also: Igloos (moving into), Incestuous relationship (ending your)

Jangly keys. Fuck! This is so annoying on a hot Saturday night when you’re staying in and trying to sleep, and the Roommate comes home. Yes, I know you went out while I was JOing into a sock…little shit. The point is everyone should get a separate keyring for each key so they don’t bang together and disturb other people’s sleep, which is all this is about.

See also: Jealous roommates,

Keeping the peace. Being friendly to your new roommates/neighbours is important, not only to stop yourself from being labelled a dickhead, but also because you will most likely need help from them in the future. Compromising and admitting your mistakes is the key here. If it was you who ruined their geraniums, you should admit to it.

See also: Killing Me Softly by The Fugees

Living low. Unless your dad is a corrupt Chinese government official and all your income is tax free, you will, more likely than not, fall on some hard times once you move out. The trick is to leech off your uni as much as possible. They have heaps of funds for third world kids like you. It really helps if you’re ethnic too. Remember, food is more important than alcohol, and rent money is more important than shoes.

See also: Leery strangers, Landline vs Mobiles, Loneliness

Holy Shit! Dude's got three penises on his chin!

Money. Need plenty.

See also: Manhandling the landlord, Mixing drinks,

No-can-dos. These people are the cockroaches of the human race. They always say no to whatever idea you have and scuttle away before you can react. Fuck man, just say yes. Why say no when your best reason is ‘I cbf’. Fuckafuck. Don’t ever move in with these people.

See also: No offence to pretty much everyone I know, including me

Opium. In year 11, this dude who later became my reference for work offered me some laughing gas. After making sure it wasn’t going to turn me into a drug addict, I gladly accepted and took enough nos to make me spontaneously combustible. Once I stopped laughing and regained my composure, I solemnly lectured him against drug abuse. A year later, he offered me some opium and I declined.

See also: Oompah Loompahs at Sugar Tube alley, Eazy-E sucks cock

Parents. You can’t avoid them forever. It’s inevitable that you go back home to visit and do all the things that compelled you to move out in the first place. Just treat these visits as a positive reminder of what a good decision moving out was. Trust me, an hour into the visiting protocols and a couple of ‘dad-farts’ later, you’ll be missing your pissy roommates so much that you want to merge your inner beings with them. Is that weird?

See also: Puff Daddy, Pies for the munchies

Quest for ‘your place’. 15% of the fun of moving out comes from this part. That sliver of hope that you will find a place close to the city, close to your school, close to your work, close to your favourite club, where your roommates show you romantic interest, yet who you are free to snub without consequence, all for less than $100 per week, right? You little fucker.

See also: Quiche, Quarter pounder tits

Rancid milk. Aha, I have a good story about this one. But you don’t like stories do you… you fucking communist? Anyway, my cousin moved out and she said this guy she knows turned up to work sucking on a 2 litre bottle of milk cos he was too spoilt, to know how to make breakfast. The milk went, obviously, rancid. The moral of this little episode is that if you’re not good enough to take care of yourself, you’ll get slaughtered son. Jokes! No, seriously, learn some skills.

See also: Roommates vs Loner, Relying on others

Squatting. This is a pretty good option for those with a budget and who want to become addicted to drugs. Once you’re In with the squatting community, you’ll meet druggies, pov art students, hobos with ‘in my day’ stories. In short, fully sick cunts! So get out there guy, invade the nearest abandoned shack and stamp your middle-class authority on those homeless dole bludgers.

See also: Sterilising your cutlery, Sham salesman, Shaman medicine


Holy Shit! ...naw naw, they're not refugees, because we know refugees don't squat, they just get deported. Therefore, Squatters!


Theft. Standard procedure for moving out. To get started, you’ll need to steal the toaster from the ’rents, some cushions from your best mate, and maybe a couple of chairs from Myer. And a couch too if your bag is big enough.

See also: Trying too hard, Train stations and other amenities

Ultimatums. This seems to be pretty common nowadays as there are some roommates who are genuinely born with a penis on their head. This is where ultimatums come in handy. Get the other roomers on your side and do a little Treaty of Versailles on your rebel roomer. Tell him (as is generally the case) to wank in his room or …else.

See also: Using household electrical appliances, Unpacking,

Vandalism. If some local wiseguys bomb your new place with obscure ‘tags’, tell them to fuck off. You really start sympathising with those local immigrant businesses who call vandalism a ‘thorn in the community’ and who vote liberal. I swear hip hop and graffiti is undermining the english language with all this ‘nu skool’ spelling. In 2030, we’ll be known as the ‘fuktup timez’, where thug high school teachers listen to 50 cent.

See also: VCE (har har…), Vermin

Wetting the bed the first night you move out. BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. …hehehhehe…..he..hehe…..heeeeeeeeeeeeee. you poor wittle baby you woogie boogie boog. BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH.

See also: Wet patches near the loo, Wings, Where’s the Wanker?

This is the part where you yawn and say 'shit, what a weird dream...'

X is the most bullshit letter of the alphabet. It’s hard enough thinking of words starting with X (there’s like six), let alone those related to moving out.

See also: Xanthorrhoea, Xanax, X-raying balls repeatedly

Yo. (According to dirt.blogspot.com). Yo: These are the house rules, Respect the Ripper Demon, Contribute or Die, You hos, Reppin for the Ghetto 213. Maybe Mr Ripper should have mentioned he’s 13 and has one hair on his balls.

See also: Yoghurt, Yoga farts

Zoos. Commonly referring to recreational sites filled with dislocated beasts and people with tasers, parallels can also be found between conventional zoos and Your Place. Indeed, the number of fucks screaming for attention and consumables is a common feature in both. And both categories feature notorious cases of dickheads dying. But most of all, both are good places to piss off the local inhabitants.

See also: Zionists, Zinc poisoning, Zap!



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