Finding work is a bitch

Trying to get a job like trying to get laid, you want to swear loudly when bitch-in- skirt says no, but you’re have to do it real quiet like cos you don’t want to blow your chances for next time. Come the fuck on corporate guy, long time no eat! What happened to hiring kids with a bus pass and a cheesy smile. No we didn’t know baker’s delight was Victoria largest provider of breadsticks. Yes, we want money.

‘Recruitment procedures’ are bullshit. Hey guy, it’s unskilled labour and I am suitably unskilled. HIRE ME! It’s 187 all day in the ghetto, and youre scrutinising the smear on my ‘curriculum vitae’? Give me the fuckn nametag already. Best& less, reject shop, it doesn’t matter…..just hand it over moerfucker.

Ethnic HR managers are the worst (thanks equal opportunity), they love to tell you about their struggles up the social ladder from the boat to a quarter acre block. And then they tell you no.

Fulfilled your employment quota? What the fuck? I just got internal bleeding from listening to all your refugee crap.

So. In lieu of this oh-so-serious youth issue, here are some things any prospective young’un should do in the face of rejection:

1. Smile sweetly and ask whether your friend Johnny got the job instead, while vaguely gesticulating to your right/left hand side. When the HR lady (as they generally are) looks around puzzled, cry loudly that she just knocked Johnny over, and kneel in some kind of resuscitation position. As the HR looks on pondering your mental wellbeing, threaten her by saying you will sue (on behalf of Johnny) if you don’t get the job.

2. Yodel like a retarded eastern European shepherd.

3. Lean forward conspiratorially and be like, oh that’s okay ms so-and-so, thank you very much for your time, but (look down and twiddle your toes nervously at this point) my daddy said he won’t love me anymore if I can’t pay for his bourbon. (Now scratch yourself suggestively). Alternatively, you can casually reveal some cuts on your wrist. You might even want to do the real cut n grind in front of the dude, just to be convincing you know? Don’t worry, its fun!

4. Lean forward conspiratorially and say, real quiet like, I’m a scientologist, don’t fuck with the thetans.

5. Carry a voodoo doll in your pocket, the head sticking out. When you get noed, ask the HR manager calmly for anything with the store logo on it, and 3 litres of her blood. If she’s a total comatose retard, and asks why (WHY???), say it’s for Johnny.

6. Pull your shirt/top over your head like a soccer hoon from Oakleigh and run around like you have Downers, yes in that aeroplane position, while screaming, ‘ahahahAAHHAHAHAHAHheheheeee, I GOT THE JOB. I GOOOOOOOOOT THE JOOOOOOOB YEEEEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA AHAHHAHAhahahaha’ (in those exact words). Ideally, the bitch will feel too bad to bring you back down again and give you the job.

7. Walk away like the loser you are.

8. Lean forward conspir...fuck that, go straight out the gate and be like, bitch, I’m a head ho from head office and yo vanilla biscuit ass is on the line for being uncompassionate with yo fellow human beings, bitch. I’m kicking yo ass to the kerb, for rejecting my black ass, and for knocking Johnny down. We don’t dig dat no mo’ player.

(I guess you can do other races, but that canto chinaman shit lacks substance, cos we just want justice, coz life is fabulous, and y’all aint wit us, and this is HIP HOP, HIP HOP, HIP HOP, HIP HOP, HIP HOP, HIP HOP, and so on)

9. and so on

10. Finally number ten. Number one-oh is this: just enjoy blue collar living and forget the job. Drink a Melbourne Bitter in the chill and billy up the weed stems you got for 8 bucks a gram. This is life after VCE/HSC/backwaterequivalent, and this is summer. You don’t need money to enjoy it.

Sylli