Friday, February 6, 2009

spank that monkey

You know those energy drink commercials where a menacing voice is all ‘which flavour is youuu?’. Well, ask yourself that question during your daily routine and you will undoubtedly bring a refreshing diversity to your actions. You may find that lattes are not your ‘flavour’ after all, but a tall shot of straight jager downed with 6 cans of Redbull is really the wake up call you’re after. At work, you might find supervising self-scan checkouts is insufferably tedious because customers are generally fuckwits, and find the flavours of working in a gay bar more appealing.

But then you go home, and here is where variety in decision making generally peters out. Yes, you’re right. I’m talking about wanking. It’s past 12 and you’re holding your wang. You give the forearms a good work out and then invariably dirty the sheets. C’mon you dirty little tosser. Add some variety into that tug-n-jerk. Try injaculation.

[www.nerve.com/Regulars/Quickies/ididitforscience/injaculation]

Basically, injaculation is where you experience orgasm but don’t ejaculate semen. In practice, you just jerk off as per normal and when you’re nearly orgasming, press firmly into the perineum, or ‘gooch’ for the illiterate kids, and stop ejaculation from occurring. Where does it go? If you do it incorrectly, it ends up in your bladder, and you piss a foamy mixture the next day. If you do it correctly, the semen goes ‘somewhere else’, according to self-styled Taoist sex practitioners on the taoistsex.tribe.net forum.

Which brings me conveniently to the origins of injaculation. Taoist mantra states that ejaculation deprives wankers (that’s right!) of essential ‘energy’. Thus, injaculation was developed to retain the energy and distribute it to other parts of the body. Apparently, correct injaculation techniques allow the feeling of orgasm to spread along the spine column and potentially make it last several minutes. As such, Taoism describe this ensuing feeling of overwhelming orgasm as Nirvana, in reference to when the mind and body is eliminated of all distracting thoughts.

However, modern science has deemed injaculation to be potentially dangerous. Not only can it result in café style foam in your piss. But forcing the semen to reverse its directional flow in the urethra can also lead to damage, as these delicate (I’m sure you’ll agree) vessels are designed to be one way only.

Being a deeply spiritual person however, I nevertheless chose to ignore the scientific risks and partake in some jizzless wanking. It took a couple of gos before I could handle the new technique. The results were disappointing. Not only did I fail to experience a mind blowing orgasm, but instead I felt a persistent and disturbing buzz in my anus (Holy Fuck! I couldn’t even sit still). Sure enough, I was peeing foam minutes later. I decided to stop there as the rewards for busting my penal valves seemed unworthwhile.

Other Taoist sex practitioners have also attested that tightly squeezing your perineal muscles can also stop ejaculation. But further reading shows that this technique takes so long to perfect that you might as well believe in Taoism. Personally, I found injaculation not worth the trouble, as the embarrassment of informing your spouse ‘my penis broke’ outweighs the supposed orgasmic benefits of ‘preserving your energy’. But hey, that’s just my flavour.


JTL

2 comments:

Xman said...

Wow, never knew Taoism was so sexually divine. jtl, pity we are not immortals (therefore cannot perfect this ritualistic endeavour)...

Read Something. Anything. DeeTu is Anything said...

taoism is sick shit. the founding father figure was aapparently born as an old man. Suck shit Brad Pittz!