Sunday, February 8, 2009

shorts - i'm a hamster, living my life

Its Tuesday, and he’s late coming home again. I can’t see much past the bars of my cage, but I can tell he’s not there. When he’s here, I can feel my whiskers shiver, I get cold, and then I’d start running. It’s bad when he’s home, I have to watch out for his mood swings, but it’s even worse when he’s not. By the time he gets home, I would be too starved to run, too starved to draw attention to my hunger.

When he’s home, at least he would turn the light on. He takes it for granted, but to me, light is a luxury. He decides when I eat, what I eat and whether I eat. But at least the light would be on. I glance around, the shadows look all too potent, pregnant with threat. Roaches. I hear their insistent whines, debating tonight’s menu. Damn it! They wouldn’t dare do that when he’s here. For a start, the light would be on. The roaches always bring out the worse within me. I’m independent and strong, I would have nothing to do with their sycophancy. Roaches always scuttle away when he’s here, but I won’t run away.

But it wasn’t a roach.

By the time I realise, the sound of scampering feet has already reached the door. My muscles tense up, ready to run. The sliver of light from the doorway is momentarily blocked by a dark form. It’s inside! My whiskers twitch, then shiver. My body starts to shake. A surge of adrenaline clicks my legs into overdrive. I’m running, running out of sheer panic. The rhythmic click of my cage spinning quickly increases in tempo. At first I looked around as I ran, the darkness around me began to blur as the bars of the cage cut spectrums of white and silver onto the surrounding blackness. I saw the silhouette of a head to my left. I kept on running. Neck fully extended, I felt my strides stretch to maximum. Streams of sweat began to pool around my eyes, blurring my vision. Before I knew it, I was shouting, the loud squeals mixed unpleasingly with whirring sound of the cage. Its close. I glimpsed the pearly glint of teeth. I closed my eyes and ran. Sweat and piss made a pungent mixture on my skin. I heard a gnashing of teeth. Its over! I strained my neck, hoping to outlive the inevitable.

‘Please, stop.’

I will always remember that voice.

I slowed down to a jog and opened an eye. In the darkness, I saw another hamster.

From a non-descript room on the seventh floor, the whirring sound of something spinning finally stopped. Two hamsters looked at each other, one in a cage and the other on a table.

One of them said, ‘I’m just a hamster, living a life.’


Friday, February 6, 2009

spank that monkey

You know those energy drink commercials where a menacing voice is all ‘which flavour is youuu?’. Well, ask yourself that question during your daily routine and you will undoubtedly bring a refreshing diversity to your actions. You may find that lattes are not your ‘flavour’ after all, but a tall shot of straight jager downed with 6 cans of Redbull is really the wake up call you’re after. At work, you might find supervising self-scan checkouts is insufferably tedious because customers are generally fuckwits, and find the flavours of working in a gay bar more appealing.

But then you go home, and here is where variety in decision making generally peters out. Yes, you’re right. I’m talking about wanking. It’s past 12 and you’re holding your wang. You give the forearms a good work out and then invariably dirty the sheets. C’mon you dirty little tosser. Add some variety into that tug-n-jerk. Try injaculation.


Basically, injaculation is where you experience orgasm but don’t ejaculate semen. In practice, you just jerk off as per normal and when you’re nearly orgasming, press firmly into the perineum, or ‘gooch’ for the illiterate kids, and stop ejaculation from occurring. Where does it go? If you do it incorrectly, it ends up in your bladder, and you piss a foamy mixture the next day. If you do it correctly, the semen goes ‘somewhere else’, according to self-styled Taoist sex practitioners on the forum.

Which brings me conveniently to the origins of injaculation. Taoist mantra states that ejaculation deprives wankers (that’s right!) of essential ‘energy’. Thus, injaculation was developed to retain the energy and distribute it to other parts of the body. Apparently, correct injaculation techniques allow the feeling of orgasm to spread along the spine column and potentially make it last several minutes. As such, Taoism describe this ensuing feeling of overwhelming orgasm as Nirvana, in reference to when the mind and body is eliminated of all distracting thoughts.

However, modern science has deemed injaculation to be potentially dangerous. Not only can it result in cafĂ© style foam in your piss. But forcing the semen to reverse its directional flow in the urethra can also lead to damage, as these delicate (I’m sure you’ll agree) vessels are designed to be one way only.

Being a deeply spiritual person however, I nevertheless chose to ignore the scientific risks and partake in some jizzless wanking. It took a couple of gos before I could handle the new technique. The results were disappointing. Not only did I fail to experience a mind blowing orgasm, but instead I felt a persistent and disturbing buzz in my anus (Holy Fuck! I couldn’t even sit still). Sure enough, I was peeing foam minutes later. I decided to stop there as the rewards for busting my penal valves seemed unworthwhile.

Other Taoist sex practitioners have also attested that tightly squeezing your perineal muscles can also stop ejaculation. But further reading shows that this technique takes so long to perfect that you might as well believe in Taoism. Personally, I found injaculation not worth the trouble, as the embarrassment of informing your spouse ‘my penis broke’ outweighs the supposed orgasmic benefits of ‘preserving your energy’. But hey, that’s just my flavour.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Introduction - The Pets Issue

I walked into Pet’s Paradise the other day, and shit were those furry things pampered. I suggest you go in one day and see how pampered they are. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT PAMPERING. Obviously, the incarcerated in a glass box part is a bit of a bummer for them, but hey, it’s not that bad. Honestly, those lower animals have it sweet! Lounging around all day, enjoying delivered-to-your-pen food services. Even weed can’t achieve that state of complete relaxation. They put obese dole bludgers to shame they do.

And so, we're going to pretend that pets don't receive enough attention dedicate this issue to our lesser, yet loveable, creatures. Or maybe its just wishful thinking on my part to join them.